Feverish Dreams Of Paul Ryan Lead To Rambling Nonsense

Rep. Paul Ryan paced slowly back and forth in his office.  He was having trouble keeping his mind on his work as he felt that familiar but inconvenient feeling coming over him.  It started as a warm tingling in his chest that then began to spread all over his body; his overwhelming love of country couldn't be suppressed.  He began to unbutton his blue twill shirt, exposing his black chest hairs peeking out of the neck of his white undershirt.  His breath quickened as he slid his hands lightly down the soft cotton fabric.  He glanced at the door to make sure it was locked and made his way over to his chair.

Paul began to massage his firm thighs through the creased and starched fabric of his khakis.  He let his mind wander.  The thought of private insurance companies getting a huge windfall from all those senior healthcare vouchers caused a stirring in his pants.  He spread his legs a little to accommodate his growing erection.  "Unregulated rate increases, limited services, arbitrarily dropped coverage...unhhh...," he moaned as his hand moved closer to his cock.  He resisted the urge to go for his zipper and gently stroked his hard dick through his pants.  "Yeah, baby, the stock market...unnhhh, oh yeah...privatize that Social Security...yeessss...don't worry, baby, it's safe"

Paul felt himself getting close to the edge.  He grinded his hips against his hand and felt the pressure building in his crotch.  "Oh God, unnnh, God...class warfare...except...when...it's...directed at the poor!  Oh God, oh yeah!!"

"Let them eat caaaaaake!!"  he shouted as he shot a wad of cum inside his creased and starched khakis.

Possible Mental Breakdown

Yesterday morning while I was brushing my teeth I suddenly started thinking about the card game Old Maid.  Just out of the blue.  I hadn't thought of that game in at least 25 years.  I wish it had stayed that way because now I'm questioning my sanity.

I thought about how this poor caricature is based on women who were shunned and unwanted in real life.  To have their misery and shame mass produced as hilarious children's entertainment surely had the effect of compounding the old maids' humiliation.

This random stream of thought then struck me as possibly the most random stream of thought I'd ever had.  I got the giggles thinking about the randomness.  This led to all out mouth-wide-open cackling at the thought of these cards lamenting their position in life as the pariahs of their card communities as well as at the fact that I was actually having these thoughts.

It was a strange sight with me laughing uncontrollably with toothpaste foam dribbling out of my mouth...

Poor lady with her sad little Admit One ticket...and the hats, my God the hats!

Angry Sober Man Commits Abortion

His eyes were annoying me so I chose my right to not be annoyed and aborted him.  Now he's just a mangled mess, mocking me with his staring eyes and partial head...I think I'll have Pepsi and drumsticks now.

El Cristo Loco

When Gravity Attacks

Was it a festive evening ending in calamity?  A run at a hip new urban sport ending in calamity?  My own brand of plain-ol' clumsy ending in calamity?  Red Line run-in ending in calamity but not a glass eye? 

So many questions...so few answers...so many me not seeing him at the Spotlight...

Pop Culture Moment...

Did US Weekly really include a photo of Jess looking square-waisted on page 28, only to turn around on page 34 showing her in THE SAME DRESS AT THE SAME EVENT looking much slimmer?  Incredible.  Luckily, I only read that magazine for the weight loss advertisements or else I'd think they were trying to understand estimate my intelligents.

Also, some other staleness spotted while I was getting caught up on a backlog of magazines.  The Witches of Secaucus  or some other manner of unusual looking human female animals and a heifer on the loose.

"You Wanna Get Down On This Protein Shake?"

Is this new?  Male reproductive organs are being called protein shakes?  I really need to start checking into the Urban Dictionary (*UPDATE* I checked and found out it refers to the reproductive fluid, at which point I slapped my forehead and went "Oh yeah, huh.") more often.  I will most definitely have to insert that term into some conversation, somehow...perhaps when I'm sitting at the Spotlight on Sunday or Saturday morning, flipping through the hooker section of Frontiers.  I'll spot one I like and exclaim, "I wanna get down on his protein shake!"  "Bro!" 

Doing My Part For The Obesity Movement

So here we have my breakfast, Frankie.  Yes!  Two hotlinks and a 2 liter of Pepsi!!!  I was telling Leo that I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the bus window and I looked like a Pez dispenser.  I've decided that I may have overdone the weight loss thing.  Huge heads don't look right on skinny bodies.  I even got off my lazy butt and picked up my dumbbells for the first time in months.  OUCH!!

Almost done with school this semester!  Another couple of weeks and I'll never have to look at those idjits in my Business group project again!  I'm bracing myself for a B in that class.  I want to take Math 125 over the summer so I can get caught up to regular college mathematics but I would have to take it on a different campus.  I suppose that would be fine but you know how I hate mixing up my routine!

If you get a second, Google Cliff Jensen (Oooo, that sailor hat!  Take me, Jeebus!) and tell me...am I crazy or is this the Sexiest Man Alive?  Him and Tommy Defendi are running neck and neck as my ultimate stalk/kidnap/taxidermy victim.  What?

Make sure you check out the story about Obama releasing his fake birth certificate and how Trump mistakenly thinks he is the Hero of America when all he did was force Obama to rush out and get this forgery made so he could quell the storm of patriotic intelligentsia who were rightly convinced that the state of Hawaii pulled off a 46 year conspi...wait, how old is Obama?...a 40+ year conspiracy to get this man elected just to piss off the whole of the New Confederacy.  Was that a run-on sentence?  Cakesters!

And You Wonder Why I Drink, Frankie?

Lost keys, drunken behaviour that went beyond my normal embarrassment threshold, a criminal record, play sold out after I used a bus token to get to the theater, and that dreaded Business project that is failing before my very eyes...the week of April 3-April 9 was officially the Worst Week EVER!!!

Granted the criminal record is just an infraction for...**grits teeth**...fare evasion on the Orange Line (an honest mistake, dumb but honest), but I do not like having a criminal record!!  Now if anybody checks my record they'll see that and think I'm some kind of deadbeat.

Okay, so the group project in Business class is not a total failure.  I just feel like our supposed group leader is an idiot and doesn't know what he's doing.  Yeah, just that is all.

I waited a week to post this because I'm actually in a very positive mood right now, and last week is funny to me now.  Had I posted it last week, I'm sure it would've been riddled with curse words and self-pity.  Of course, my "humor" also sounds like self-pity so...no difference really?  Imagine me chuckling and flailing my hands around for dramatic effect to differentiate between self-pity and self-deprecation.

Oh, and a couple of random photos and non-stalkerish behaviour...

Random Drawing

Experimenting With This New Feature On YouTube

An Experiment In Masochism

I think I will read the new copy of Details while watching "A Taste of History" on PBS which features slabs of meat and real butter and the like and then top it off by snacking on 1/2 price Valentine's candy while watching Danell Leyva and his perfect body perfect his pommel horse routine.  After that, I will stand naked in front of the mirror and wonder aloud why my body doesn't look like these guys' bodies and curse Teh God for not instantly transforming me into a brick house.  Then I'll go out and have 10 beers.

Danell...whew...

Paul Ryan's Hair Is Pretty

While watching Rep. Paul Ryan's animatronic double (A definite victory in Tokyo robotic achievement!) deliver an oddly haltingly-speech-patterned (bugs, they'll fix that in the next model) response to the State of the Union address the other day, I could only think...such nice hair.  Did they use real human hair or is it some new synthetic?

Earnest fellow, very telegenic.  I did find myself developing a bit of a crush, wanting to muss his hair...we could raid Boehner's liquor stash for a quick belt or two, sing "Lift Every Voice and Sing" at the top of our lungs in the empty chambers and finally drunkenly crash into each other's arms for a round of stoic, analytical foreplay topped off with me giving him an efficient blowjob...stoically.

Random & Silly

My drawings of Krist Cummings, Michael Fitt, Diesel Washington, Jesus Christ, and several sex slaves in, as usual, a very random and nonsensical setting.

Stream of Consciousness Drawing

I just started drawing and it led me to this.  Clearly I'm in need of beer.

Happy New(ly shorn toe nail) Year!!

So I finally decided to clip my jacked up toe nails last night.  Nobody ever sees my feet, so I feel no compunction to keep them at all presentable.  This hard-as-diamonds clipping came off of my big toe.  It had started snagging on the elastic in my socks so something had to give. (This picture makes me want to get my palm read...)

I'll be ringing in the New Year at the newly reprieved Spotlight Bar.  Yes, it is the dreaded Karaoke night, but I'm holding out hope against hope that they are actually going to have strippers tonight.  It's a special occasion!!  There should be dancers!!  Of course, I know there will be no dancers, but one can fantasize.  At least karaoke keeps me from wasting my shekels in the jukebox (wasted because we all know Robbie would put in whatever large amount, do "Play Mine First" on all of his selections and keep us in dreary slow jazz for 3 hours.) and keeps them going to beer, where they should be going.  Let there be slut-baggery going on that I can ogle from the sidelines and get a vicarious thrill!!

Let there be Frankie!!

Let me not try to get into that red tank top because I feel too bloated to wear it!!  Let there be a Lakers game on so I can eyeball Shannon Brown and Luke Walton!!  Let me not get the evil eye because I insist on playing "Whip My Hair" again!!

How Very Random...

I'm on the Fringe website today and I think to myself, "You know, I really love blimps."  I like that folks in the alternative world are using blimps.  It's just so random and fantastic.  I also love that Alterna-Astrid gets to display some skills that don't involve cooking or grocery lists!

So, my friend Roger's ex comes in to my work today to check his mail.  He is quite possibly the most attractive dusty homeless person I've ever seen.  How can he, while sleeping on the sidewalk, mind you, manage to look 100% fresher than me?  How very disturbing...and distressing.

Not that I spent the whole of yesterday being absolutely fascinated by the Diesel Washington Vs The Hate Brigade drama.  I laughed HARD at the wonderful entertainment of it all, and I suppose it succeeded in making me familiar with some characters that I'd never heard of before.  It's nice to fill out the character roster and to get a feel for what made Diesel declare HATE LEVEL: RED.  **cracking up**

Back To The Drawing Board, Frankie!!

The actual outline isn't on a slant like this; however, the bloodletting is real.  It looks a lot worse than it is (convincing self).

On a side note:  I heard the best phrase!  Instead of "Shut the fuck up!" you say "Shut the front door!"  I know, riiiiight?  So if you hear me saying "Shut the front door, oh-my-god!" you'll know why.  This will go perfectly with "Tic Tac NOOOO!!" which I can't remember where I heard.

Adventures of Proverbial Wet Hen

Proverbial Wet Hen gets bird shit on her flapper hat.

Family Portrait

My God, these children look miserable.  I was trying to think of a phrase for each of them, but I think their faces say it all.  And is it just me or is that littlest one all like, "What, you think I won't cut you?"